Where'd ya get all those Jews? (A Top 10 list)

A submission by by Aaron Fox:

In a previous Kumah post, it was reported in a new survey done by Brandeis University that the population of American Jews is at a whopping 7.4 million. That's 2.2 million more Jews that NJPS found lurking about. With so many more Jews than previously thought, world jewry can finally take a well deserved sigh of relief. The American Holocaust is just a myth, just like global warming. Now American Jews can continue their haphazard ways as they always have. The Jewish identity thing just seems to work itself out for the good in the end. So why try?

Still, coming up with two additional million Jews is no small feat. How did all those brainiacs at Brandeis do it? I was so intrigued, that I took it upon myself to do a little bit of research myself. I looked into Brandeis University's research methods on just how exactly they came up with 2 million extra Jews in America. I recorded my findings in a top 10 list format, because top 10 lists are funny.


Top 10 methods employed by Brandeis University to count an extra 2.2 million Jews in America: (Is there a drumroll? because I haven't watched Dave Letterman in the longest time.)

10. If you said you were Irish you were counted half-Jewish. The "ish" part.

9. Significant increase in Chinese food consumption was attributed to the population growth within Jewish community rather than per-capita consumption increase. I mean, come on, there is a limit to the amount of Chinese food one Jew can eat.

8. One question asked in the survey was what was your favorite TV show: Bill Cosby, Home Improvement or Seinfeld. Side note: if you chose Bill Cosby you were marked as an African American.

7. Counting on fingers and toes.

6. Larry Bird is suing Brandeis University for listing him as a Jew because of his big nose.

5. Tom Cruise is listed as a Jew just for working in the entertainment industry.

4. Every house not decorated with lights during Christmas time was marked Jewish. For good measure every child found on Santa's naughty list was also recorded Jewish.

3. Must have more Jews!!!

2. Brandeis University finally admitted that the actual number of Jews in America is 3.7 million. They just doubled the number to debunk the stereotype that Jews were good with numbers.

1. American Jews bought 2.2 million Jews from Thailand.